Big Woods Fidelity Insurance Company
Notes from insurance investigation re: Case #00 WE-8NT-PAYN
Investigator: John Disteye
Policy Holders: Theodore and Thelma Behr
Claim: Break-in at residence.
Stolen property (porridge).
Destruction of property (broken chair).
Trespass and violation of personal property (stranger in bed).
Extreme emotional torment due to violation of personal space.
Transcript of interview with Theodore Behr
Disteye: Mr. Behr, what exactly happened on the evening in question?
Behr: Well, Thelma, that’s my wife, thought we should have an early dinner, so she fixed some porridge, which nobody really likes, and of course, she boiled it so long that we couldn’t eat it right away because it was so hot. I didn’t want to complain–she’s been so touchy lately. So I suggested we go for a short walk, while it cooled. I was hoping that the exercise would help Thelma to mellow out.
We weren’t gone very long. Thelma was afraid she would miss her reality shows “Bears in Cages” and “Trading Grizzlies” which was the whole reason for the early dinner in the first place. Well, when we got back, I realize something just aint right, ya know? You could tell someone or something had been messing about with our food and Junior’s porridge was completely gone. Just an empty bowl and a dirty spoon. We walked into the den and I could tell someone had been in our chairs. Thelma pointed out a long blonde hair on my chair and while I was assuring her I had no idea where it came from or how it had gotten there, we were surprised by a shout from Junior. We turned and saw the pile of rubble that used to be his chair.
I decided that we should look around to see if anything else had been taken or vandalized, so we went into the bedroom and that’s where she was.
Disteye: Miss Laucks, you mean?
Theodore Behr: Yeah, she was asleep in Junior’s bed.
Transcript of interview with Thelma Behr.
Disteye: Mrs. Behr, tell me what happened on the evening of the 16th.
Thelma Behr: Well, I was looking forward to having a little time to myself for a change, because my shows, “Bears in Cages” and “Trading Grizzlies” was going to be on that night, and I like to just relax on the sofa with a glass of wine and watch tv. So I thought I would fix an easy meal, and we would get it out of the way early, so I could get on with my evening. Well, Theodore started in complaining about the porridge I was fixing. See, he likes a lot of honey in his porridge, and we were all out of honey. Not my fault. Theodore is in charge of getting honey–not me. So if we’re out it’s his fault.
Disteye: OK. Mrs. Behr, if we could skip to the time you got back to the house. Was there any sign of forced entry?
Thelma Behr: Oh, no. Anyone could have come right in. I’d been asking Theodore to fix that lock for months.
Disteye: And what did you find?
Thelma Behr: well, besides the porridge being mucked up and someone totalling Junior’s chair, you mean?
Disteye: Was there something else?
Thelma Behr: I’d call a skinny blonde in Junior’s bed something else. And it looked like there had been someone in all the other beds, as well. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep in that room again, let alone in my bed. All these nights on the sofa, waiting for the insurance company to buy us new beds, have ruined my back. The doctor says I’m probably not ever going to be able to attend to my housewifely duties–vacuuming or otherwise.
Transcript of interview with Junior Bear.
Disteye: What happened on the night of the 16th?
Junior Behr: I don’t know what you mean. I had nothing to do with it.
Disteye: no one is accusing you of anything. Just tell me what you remember.
Junior Behr: Mom made porridge again. So when Dad suggested we go for a walk to let it cool down , I thought sure, why not? I get better reception on my cell phone if we go down the road a ways. When we got back, mom started hyperventilating about someone violating our porridge and Dad was all like Who did this? How dare they? Of all the nerve! He was all like bent, ya know? It was no skin off my nose. I don’t even like porridge. In the den, mom started ragging on Dad about a blonde hair she spied on his easy chair and they’re going at it with the volume turned way up, ya know? They didn’t even notice the pile of rubble in the middle of the floor that used to be my chair. Do you think the insurance company will let me buy one of those chairs that has the stereo speakers in it to replace the primo chair that Blondie trashed?
Disteye: what happened next?
Junior Behr: It was epic! There was a girl in my bed. All the guys keep asking me about it.
Transcript of interview of Behrs neighbor, Mrs. R. Monger
Disteye: Mrs. Monger, did you see anything suspicious the night of the 16th?
Monger: well, I don’t know if you would call it suspicious or not, but the whole Behr family just went traipsing off through the woods. I found that strange, as I knew Thelma had just made dinner. Her specialty–porridge. I knew that because she had come over to borrow honey. Theodore likes honey in his porridge. Well, I didn’t have any. It’s just a temptation to bad eating habits, I say. Of course, having dinner on the table, wouldn’t stop Theodore. He gets a crazy idea in his head and nothing do him but to carry it out. I have to give it to Thelma, though. Anybody else would tell Theodore to sit down and eat his meal before it got cold and enough of this foolishness, but Thelma is always humoring Theodore and his crazy ideas. So off they went.
They hadn’t been gone long, when I saw someone pass by on the road out front. I didn’t pay much attention, as I try to keep my nose out of any business but my own, but I noticed her bleached blonde hair.
I started watching my own shows on tv, it was my night for “Cops Marathon”. I guess I must’ve dozed when I was startled by a shrieking noise. At first I thought it was on the tv, but then I realized it was coming from up at the Behr’s. I don’t know what Theodore told Thelma, but finding a blonde hussy in the bed when they got home–well, sounds a little fishy to me.
Transcript of interview of Miss Goldie Laucks re: counterclaim of bodily injury sustained on property belonging to Theodore and Thelma Behr
John Disteye: Now Miss Laucks, tell me why you happened to enter the Behr’s home and what happened after entering.
Miss Laucks: Um, yeah, ok. I was walking down the road, I’d run out of gas back a ways–my gas gauge doesn’t work, see. So I was looking for some help, you know, a ride with somebody, or a telephone or something. Well, so I came to this first house and I could hear the tv blaring inside and I figured people don’t want to be disturbed during their shows, so I decided to walk down to the next house. All was quiet there, so I wasn’t worried about upsetting anyone by knocking on the door. I figured they must not be watching any shows that night. So I knocked and waited. No one came but the door kind of moved when I knocked on it, you know, like it was open? So I pushed it open and looked in. I thought maybe if I stepped in and yelled, someone would come. Well, when I got in, I noticed the porridge on the table. I don’t know , I guess the long walk and the stress of running out of gas on a lonely road, got to me. I sometimes suffer from low blood sugar, and so I thought it prudent to eat just a little of the porridge. I mean, I didn’t want to black out or anything. Turns out I traded hypoglycemia for ptomaine. My stomach was giving me fits and so I looked for a place to relax for a minute. I was feeling pretty woozy I can tell you. I went in the family room and sat down. Those people should get some new furniture! I just couldn’t get comfortable. Well, until I sat in the recliner. I was pushing back and the chair was making sort of a creaking noise, but it was really soft and cushy and I was beginning to get comfy, when the foot rest sprang up at an awkward angle, the headrest tilted steeply to the floor and the chair ejected me, injuring my back, neck, and hip. I gathered myself up with some difficulty and limped into the bedroom. The two big beds were extremely rumpled and looked like wrestling matches had taken place in them. The small bed looked fresh and crisp and since I felt too shaken yet, to leave, I climbed in between the sheets and fell immediately to sleep. The next thing I know, three big, hairy, unattractive bears are standing around the bed looking down at me, drooling.
Well, I jumped up and managed to drag my seriously injured and food-poisoned body out of the house and down the road. I think I deserve something for all the pain and suffering I had to endure. My doctor, my psychiatrist, and my lawyer all think I’ll need to go somewhere warm and tropical to recover my health. That’s gonna cost a bundle.